woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
