I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
