I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
