his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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