Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
