Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
