I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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