I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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