he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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