ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
