dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
