Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
