What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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