Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
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