I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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