James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
