my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
love makes seman taste better
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
