you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
