Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
