btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
