My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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