i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
