47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
