True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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