Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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