omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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