I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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