i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
