I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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