Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
