I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
