god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
