Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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