Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
