The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
