my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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