I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
