this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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