I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Randomize
