I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
