My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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