not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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