i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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