Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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