My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
