Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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