My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
babies were throwing up all over the place
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
