you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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