bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
