My first STD was from a foam party
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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