I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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