how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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