You're so nebulous sometimes
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
